*Article 2009
Resources: The Four Secrets Of Amazing Sex

Secret 1: Seduction

‘Chances are, your first crush was on a pop star or actor – someone you’d never met,’ says Beverley Anne.

‘They didn’t actively seduce you, you turned yourself on to them. You can be seduced by someone who doesn’t even know you exist,’ adds Georgia. ‘Contrary to what you may believe, it’s not down to other people to seduce us. Desire starts within you. It’s up to you to keep on cultivating these levels of seduction as you get older.’

In a long-term relationship you’re not always going to feel the same intensity of desire when the all-consuming passion develops into a richer sexual relationship. ‘It’s easy to become lazy and stop seducing yourself, or to place the onus on your partner to do it,’ warns Georgia.

Many of us take desire for granted, or think of it as something that just happens, like blushing. Instead, we are responsible for creating it within our own minds, and then nurturing it.

‘The danger of losing seduction is we then go for pure physical results and are left wondering why we don’t enjoy sex like we used to,’ says Georgia. ‘We lose sexual confidence, our partner does too, and the relationship suffers.’

Try this: Rekindle desire by spending time focusing on what makes you feel sexual. Ask, ‘what makes me a sexual person?’. Write down the things that first attracted you to your partner. If you’re single, think about a crush, first love, or qualities you aspire to in a partner. Consider their smile, voice, hands, lips, a sense of style. Put your list somewhere safe to re-read or add to whenever you want to tap in to these feelings of excitement.

Secret 2: The six senses

The Fosters include a sixth sense – that energy between two people that allows us to detect someone’s mood when they enter a room. ‘Rub your hands together, hold them an inch apart and you’ll feel it,’ says Georgia.

When you’re aroused, all six senses are heightened. ‘This is the stage at which foreplay starts,’ says Georgia. But people often neglect one or more of the senses, becoming limited lovers. ‘They think they know what does it for them and their partner and don’t vary from this repertoire.’ For example, one partner may be visually aroused by underwear while the other prefers touch – stroking or neck kissing. Their sex is on autopilot fulfilling these needs only. ‘This is when people might perceive their sex life has become boring and withdraw – or seek excitement in an affair.’

Your sensual preferences may change over the years, or you may enjoy different types of touch with different partners. But you won’t know unless you go back to basics. ‘Exciting new experiences with the same person are possible, if you prepare yourself differently,’ says Beverley Anne. ‘Promise yourself you’ll focus on each of the senses (your partner doesn’t even need to be aware you’re doing this if you’re shy about including them). Or you can challenge negative expectations about sex by approaching it in this new way.’

Try this: Practice living more sensually. Next time you have a coffee, really savor the aroma, taste and feeling in your mouth. Remember why you like to drink it so much. When you dress, notice how the fabric feels next to your skin, and how it feels on the outside when you run your hands over it. Is it smooth or rough? Cold or warm? Does it make a sound as you move? How does it look in the mirror?

Secret 3: Surrender

Surrender means being able to give yourself over fully to the physical act of sex. You’re in the present, fully aware of all your senses and enjoying the sensual experience – something that many of us often aren’t.

‘It’s not that your mind can never wander – that’s unavoidable at times,’ says Georgia. ‘But if all you can think about is what’s for tea, or how close you’re getting to orgasm, it’s not amazing sex.

‘Surrender is often prevented by the sexual saboteur – the inner voice of self doubt that creeps in just at the wrong time, telling you you’re too fat, or his previous partner was better at sex. This is a major inhibitor but it’s just your perception, not the truth. Hypnosis is very helpful in silencing this voice.’

Try this: Practice getting rid of negative thoughts by imagining a box by the side of your bed. Put the thoughts into this box and shut the lid, telling yourself you can take them back later if you want, but you don’t need them now. If your saboteur starts talking, breathe in and release the message on the out breath, saying ‘Let it go’.

Deep breathing is also a really useful tool for letting go, says Georgia. It slows your heart rate, releases anxiety, and distracts your mind from negative thoughts. ‘Take a deep breath in for a count of five, hold for five, release for five. Repeat three times. This clears and “resets” the mind, leaving you relaxed and in the present.’

Secret 4: Reflection

‘Perhaps as a consequence of a busy, modern life, few of us have the time or inclination to think about things after the event,’ says Georgia. ‘But if you want to move forwards, it’s absolutely vital to be able to take stock and think, “OK, how did I feel about that?” We’re not talking about delving into your past feelings about sex, just your positive reflection on a recent experience.’

If reflecting makes you feel happy and content, your unconscious mind will guide you back to secret one, seduction, so you can enjoy it all over again and reinforce your feelings and attitude towards sex. Conversely, for those with negative sexual memories, reflection becomes a barrier to fulfilling sex, says Georgia, while for others, their sexual saboteur takes control of reflection, reminding them of what they did wrong.

But each sexual experience is different, and gradually you can create more and more moments of positive sexual reflection, until your confidence increases. ‘Not every sexual experience is going to be amazing; life’s not perfect,’ says Georgia. ‘But the more pleasurable liaisons you can add to your mind’s library, the more self-belief you’ll have.’

It’s vital to realize that it doesn’t matter if you don’t have any positive reflections from your past. You can begin to create them today. ‘It’s liberating to know you can start afresh and creates a whole new memory bank,’ says Beverley Anne. Again, hypnosis is integral here, in letting your unconscious mind release anything from the past that’s holding you back, and making your new reflections more positive.

Try this: Next time you have sex, take time afterwards to create positive reflections on the experience. Try not to be critical – instead, think about the aspects that worked. What did you enjoy? What made you feel good about yourself? What would you like to repeat? Reinforce the idea in your mind that sex is something you value and deserve.

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